The 6 kind of Bikers you’ll meet in your life

By | December 12, 2014

Indian biking scene has really changed over the past few years. It has grown from that flat-chested hairy fat teenager that no one cared about, to that 34DD Brazillian-waxed anorexic slut that everyone wants a piece of (How the fuck do these girls do that anyway?). We still don’t get the kind of equipment or the kind of respect that western riders do, but we’re getting there, probably in another half of a century or so.

Watching all of these fresh-out-of-the-uterus “bikers” lick each other’s balls out on Facebook makes me laugh. Watching all of these struggling-with-job-and-wife-and-2-kids-and-a-whore-of-a-mother-in-law-but-still-trying-to-ride bikers makes me cry. But who am I to judge? The ability to observe without judgement is the highest form of intelligence, and observation is what I’ll try to do in this article, with the occasional bits of judgement, raw, juicy, oh-such-sweet-hot-cum-covered judgement that we all love to deny. Every biker you ever meet can be categorised as one the following 6 types. 

1. Breakfast biker:

Their motto in life:

I’ve got money, please give a fuck about me!

30-40 years old, owns a liter class bike, maybe a few. Never wears riding gears, rarely a helmet. All of his friends, his wife, his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s dog, and some random guy walking down the street have a photo posing on the bike, but not him, probably because it’s illegal. Not active on social media, not good at it either. Rides with slippers, shorts, cap, sunglasses, and a sleeveless. Never did more than 200 kms in day.

Breakfast bikers are rich, but they don’t have the brain to know what to spend all that fucking money on. Their bikes have the most obnoxiously loud exhausts, the most please-stab-me-in-the-eye gay paint schemes, and the most please-stab-me-in-the-eye-repeatedly-and-then-piss-inside-my-brain bright aftemarket headlights. They ride with a horde of other like-minded individuals, creating general sadness around 100 kms of all major cities every Sunday morning.

2. Walking-bag-of-cash biker:

Their motto in life:

I’ve got money, and I don’t give a fuck about you.

Mostly middle-aged, on the brink of getting his second heart attack. Always has a noticeable tummy, tries to hide it with a tight riding jacket. Wears full, top quality gear, and understands why he needs to wear it. Owns a few Harleys and superbikes, all brand new, with VIP numbers. Intelligent, calculative, but passionate about motorcycles. Doesn’t care about social media. Some are down to earth and friendly, others will brutally rape you in your face if you get within 50 feet of their bike.

They are either filthy rich by default, or filthy rich by saving and investing wisely over the last 30 odd years. Now that they are about to die soon, and have nothing else left to do in life, they try their best to have as much fun on 2 wheels as possible. They like to tour, but aching joints and slowing reflexes restrict their range considerably. Their bikes are well maintained, well equipped, and always look stunning. These are the people who waited too long to live their dream, but are now trying to buy it back with a truck load of cash.

3. Walking-bag-of-anus-pus biker:

Their motto in life:

My cock is 1.4 inches long, hence I’ll race everyone everywhere everytime. 

School or college kid, someone who has recently become self-aware and discovered the joys of masturbation. Hasn’t heard of riding gear, stupidly naive, will probably get himself killed because of his ignorance. Doesn’t own anything, blackmailed his parents into buying him a Honda Dio, which he savagely molests inside and out. Far too active on social media, calls himself a “FreAk”, tags 100 people in every fucking photo of his. Insufferable amount of SMS language, and repeated embarrassing references to his Dio as “ma girlFrieNd” or “ma beAst”. Argues with everyone, is always wrong, never admits.

Also called not-really-a-biker, he keeps asking everyone “WaTz Ur tOp Speed guYz“, while giving impossible figures for his own, and then gets abusive when everyone tells him a Dio can’t do 169 Kmph, even with a K&N filter. Races everyone through insane city traffic, and then boasts that chutiya superbikes can’t keep up with him. Stunts regularly, on public roads, without even a helmet. Their bikes always have superbright headlights, which are always irritatingly white in color. They graduate to Pulsars and FZs, and become even more cocky and intolerable. If you are reading this and you satisfy all of these benchmarks, please go to the nearest hardware store, buy a rusty saw, and cut your head off.

4. Confused biker:

Their motto in life:

I don’t know what to do, so I’ll do what this guy is doing. 

Middle-class, engineer, comfortably well-off, relatively young. He is matured enough to understand that life isn’t just 9-to-6 office and then boring sex with your wife, as your asshole kid watches through the keyhole, but doesn’t understand how to change that. He looks to other people for inspiration, blatantly trying to copy their style, desperately trying to blend in, hopelessly trying to belong. Wears gear only because others do. Owns an Activa. Tries but sucks at social media. Has a kind of psycho-sexual fixation with bungee cords.

Most of these confused bikers buy a Royal Enfield and join Bullet gangs, because a lot of people seem to be doing that. They go for a few rides with them, but then get bored of the bullshit, the politics, and their own idiotic bike. Some of them upgrade, realise their calling in life, and become Hemorrhoid bikers. Others just stay confused. Their confusion generates anger, which they take out on other confused bikers in forums and on social media by showing off their authority in defaming every bike that they don’t own, and repeatedly bragging about that 1 long ride they did 5 years ago. They are extremely lazy, their rides never start on time, and always involve tea/smoke/cock-sucking breaks every 300 meters.

5. Hemorrhoid biker:

Their motto in life:

I have no money, no leaves, and no girlfriend, but I’ll happily ride 16 hours a day for the next 3 weeks thorough a raging storm of ass, dust and cum, just to see a place I could’ve easily seen in 3 days by taking a flight that would’ve cost half of what I’ll spend riding there, while also being exponentially more comfortable and safe. Why? Shits and giggles mate, shits and giggles. 

IT guy, lower-middle class, always wears dirty clothes, stupid grin on his face, hasn’t used a comb or a trimmer since 12th grade, and has a lot of stories to share. Loves motorcycles more than himself, for no discernible reason. ATGATT is ridiculously obvious for him. Mostly young, but age is no restriction for being insane. Takes risks, does things beyond logic, obsessively focussed on doing what his heart says, no matter how insurmountable the odds may be. Mildly popular on social media.

High probability of finding hemorrhoids inside their anus due to impossible hours spent saddled up on an uncomfortable seat for most part of the year. No savings or worldly possessions of any kind, apart from bike, gear, and spare parts. Mostly they ride bikes from 150 to 300 ccs, bikes they have bought on a life-threatening loan, after borrowing money from friends and family for the down-payment. They tour extensively, help other riders, and know the entire country’s roads like the tip of their penis. Eternally optimistic, they fight their entire lives against parents, friends, girlfriends, wives and bosses to keep the fire burning. They always want to break free, to experience life, to enjoy the journey, and they always do, but only after a lengthy Bollywood-style struggle with the rest of the universe.

6. Woman biker:

Their motto in life:

I have boobs. 

Young, successful, independent, she is the kind of girl who every guy dreams of, but never gets. She has that masculine side that frequently gets her in trouble, but drives her passion as well. Insanely popular on social media, with little or no effort. Treated like an albino monkey shark by most, hated by Hemorrhoid bikers for stealing their attention. Rides all sorts of bikes, mostly geared. Always nice.

Their skills are mostly underestimated because of their gender, and even their slightest achievements are aggressively cheered on, almost to the point of embarrassment. Things done by non-vaginated riders are quietly tossed down the nearest gutter, while the same things done by their vaginated counterparts are hailed as milestones of human evolution. This fame comes with a price, and they are frequently on the receiving end of unsolicited advances from Walking-bag-of-anus-pus bikers and other such breathing pieces of donkey poo.

********************

This is my list of 6 type of riders you’ll meet in your life. I personally like to think of myself as being a Hemorrhoid biker, but there’s a high probability I’m just a Confused Walking-bag-of-anus-pus biker. What do you think you are?

Inspiration by Nick Louis, words by me 🙂

  • Enfield Monk

    Mix of 1 + 2 +4 + 5 😀

  • Biker Stig

    hehe enjoyed a few chuckles…some truths spoken. I don’t fit into any of these…but then again, i’m not a ‘biker’ for lack of a better word, that you’d typically meet…carry on carrying on 🙂
    Biker Stig
    Apex Racing

  • A friend of mine knew a guy in college who lived hardly 3 kms away and always showed up in full riding gear (pads and everything) while riding his P200. But he had this look of embarrassment on his face and not the usual ‘look at me, I’ve got riding gear’ smug cock sucking grin. Anyway, turns out he had a medical condition and would get seizures randomly a number of times a day and that’s why he suited up. By the end of the year, both his bike and gear were showing definite signs of a one-sided battle with ‘random seizure syndrome (I’m assuming that’s what it’s called)’ but he never quit riding. I have a lot of respect for that man.

    • That deserves respect! Insane story man.

    • Vijay

      So exactly which category do u fit in, if you don’t mind me asking, sir?

      • Akhil Kalsh

        Confused Walking-bag-of-anus-pus biker.

        • Vijay

          Oh.. Did u get promoted recently? How does it work?

          • Akhil Kalsh

            I did. I have no idea.

  • Aditya N B

    Hemmorhoid biker with one exception here. Apart from my helmet, I don’t wear my jacket, gloves and knee pads to college simply because I wanna blend in and don’t wanna invite bland comments from the butthurt pus-filled-anus ones. I ride slow in city anyway.

    P.S I hate 90% of the ‘bikers’ that I know and I’m not a fan of ‘biker groups’ either. They and their organised self-promotion-rides make no sense.

    • I think we all do that in the start Aditya. Then we stop giving a shit about blending in once we see broken knees and twisted wrists because of not wearing riding gear 🙂

      Yes groups suck ass, especially these over-organized ones.

      • Aditya N Bharadwaj

        How right you were. I don’t ride out without my gear any longer 🙂

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  • Insen

    Haemorroid..lmao

  • Lnhrt133

    Hi Dude,
    Brilliant Article again!!!

    especially about this “butt plugs” on dios!! just had couple of them doing circles around me and the duke today and i was like WTF!!! and then i read this article and am laughing my ass off

    please please please dont stop your humor….

  • Kam

    Tried using a scooter.. Couldn’t bring myself to sell the RX 135…now can’t wait to sell the scooter.. All within 5 months. Nicest guy in the road, been riding for 14 years. don’t see I’m gonna stop anytime soon.
    Entertaining article. Good job. Keep ’em coming.

    • Why stop mate? 🙂

      • Kam

        Everybody’s telling me to get a car..too successful to be riding around on bikes apparently..but I have no idea what the hell they’re on about..

        • Same here! They are so not suited for India, no parking, no space to drive, and abundance of tolls and jams!

  • Swadhin

    Akhil, I knew a guy who has a MV Agusta Brutale ( an angel ). After an accident (minor scratches on the rear side ) the bike was in parking area for 4 years and there was almost 1cm of dust on it. That idiot was not doing anything, me and my friend used stand near the bike and look at it for hours. Now please tell me which type of biker is he ?

  • Mithun

    The vitriol though lewd is addictive!

  • Cenez

    Hi Akhil, I stumbled across your blog, and its been such a breath of fresh air. Thank You!!!
    It is really great, not to have to read any of that “politically correct” bullshit that is “mandatory” in almost all of our Auto blogs and/or Forums.
    We have lost our ability to laugh at our selves, and dare i say, laugh at others!! How the fuck have we become so bloody thin skinned and sensitive.
    Aghh.. talking about “riders” the ones that really get under my skin, are the “technical experts” who know and share every minute technical specification of the damn bike, like the the horsepower at the crank… the RON or shit of the fuel, and the list is endless…
    yes, i am an illiterate fuck who has, neither the concept, nor the inclination to learn about this
    shit. All i know about a bike is that it should put a grin that stretches from ear to ear each time you get on to the seat. That is all that it takes!
    Most of us remember the first bike we rode. For me it was a Luna, and i remember ripping around Poona, double seat with a friend. Well ripping would be an exaggeration, i think that it was more like 25 or 30 km/kr, and it was the most fun i had ever had. I did not give a rats arse about the BHP, at the crank, or that measured at the wheels, or if i had RON 92 fuel or just plain petrol cut with kerosene in the bike. Ahh keyboard bikers.. they take the cake!!!

    Anyway, before i get carried away any more, i will get back to my point… Great job!! Loved your writing

    • Thanks man! I guess your “keyboard bikers” come under the confused biker category 🙂 They are the ones most likely to shove unwanted advice and knowledge into your face.

      I agree all sites nowadays are just different varieties of ass-licking and speculation. I’m sad and surprised that I’m the only one doing this. It would be fun to have someone else rip on others, and one another 😉

      The most fun I ever had on a bike was the Bajaj M80. That thing is amazing!

  • sushil tomar

    i think i belong to none….age 27
    l have everything loving family, gf, friends, nice profession(which i love actually).
    my first two wheeler is my avenger, bought it from my first 2 month salary in 2013, took me 6-7 months to learn riding in delhi traffic(had no bicycle or motorcycle experience before that). i wear gear for protection not to showoff(have seen enough of mutilated road accident patients). i ride solo and also in group. cant boast of my ride trips(only few to my belt) cant boast of my riding skills….i am learning still everyday with each ride…and wud always continue to do that…(i believe, you stop growing when you stop learning)
    maybe i am not a RIDER at all for you guys…..but does not matter. i respect other bikes and other bikers….
    have been following all your posts akhil ….
    you earned another fan.

    • Sushil my friend, no one should give a shit what others think about them 🙂 If you find 2 wheels to be fun, and are ready to enjoy them without creating trouble for others, you are as much a rider as any motherfucker out there.

      Glad you like my articles!

  • Kumar B

    What a piece of junk. The language used was highly distasteful for a public forum (yeah, you are free to use al that MF stuff on your FB timeline, not on a public forum article, please).

    The content was equally distasteful, as the way I see it, you are suggesting (or rather, imposing on readers) that the only true bikers are hemmorhoid types (though the term isn’t exactly correct), where you and a few others fit in (yeah, the under 30, 250-300cc tourer-types, who worship Leh-Ladakh as the only true destination). You are deliberately implying that except for this group, where you are happily included, all others are SoBs and F***tards who know nothing about motorcycles or motorcycling.

    I may, or may not be a biker (since I do not fit into any of your “categories”), but in my eyes, there are only two categories : Bikers and non bikers.

    As far as a true biker is concerned, It’s immaterial whether the concerned person is a 20 year old undergraduate or a 80 year old veteran, whether he/she rides a humble Discover 100 or a mighty K1600GTL, whether he has ridden 5 lakh kms or just 500, whether he wears a state-of-the-art PistaGP or a cheap Vega helmet, whether he rides solo or in a group of fifty, whether he does a saddlesore every weekend or rides only a few miles to the nearest highway dhaba – all these things are just superfluous. What really matters is that the concerned person loves motorcycles and motorcycling, he/she rides responsibly, behaves well on the road, protects himself/herself suitably, and rides to his own taste, just because he/she enjoys doing that. Most importantly, he/she respects everyone else on the road. Anyone who does so, is a true biker.

    And then there are the rest – who do not care for helmets, race on public roads, do not follow lane discipline, blah blah blah. They do not classify as bikers at all.

    • True Kumar, although that would mean I’m not a biker, and that would really piss me off. When I get pissed off, I write vile, incomprehensible, disgusting horse crap such as this article, and hence the cycle continues 🙂

  • Sham

    You are fuckin’ hilarious. Couldn’t find me exclusively in one category.

    • Thanks Sham! No problemo, it takes time to decide where you belong 🙂

  • Arijit

    bwahahahaha, loved every bit of it…
    yes, we all seem to fit in somehow…love your sense of humor, behind the vitriol, you are a funny guy.

  • Kiran

    Akhil Kalsh, the respected blogger, from his blog what i feel is that he is mentally sick and a person with high inferiority complex (which he tries to show off as superiority) and has got just hatred to all others..not even leaving the fellow lady riders..And his words make it clear to us that he was some writer in some porn magazine before..

  • Sagar Gawade

    Breakfast Bikers ,LOL…….. I know wear you intend to hit :D…… Pakodas anyone????

  • kanishq

    Nicely Done! I can’t express how amazing it feels when you wrote about the “small cock” to which I had referred in the infamous RE thread. We’re on the same page there.

    Fuck them all who hoot out to you.

    On a medical note, I happen to be a doctor and Hemorrhoids are actually prevented by continuous saddle mounting as you maintain a tight asshole for long times. Repeated straining and female sex are the main causes for hemorrhoids to develop.

    What you gotta write is ” Pilonidal Sinus”
    (Remember, ass with a lot of hairs?) 😛

    Cheers!

    Not-confused-RE-rider-but-no-time-for-week-long-hemorrhoidal-escapades-either is what I am, I guess. Downside of being a medico. But having done lots of long trips in my undergrad days, so not exactly an anal fistula either.

    Ride hard, ride safe.

    • Lol, I would prefer sticking with Hemorrhoids doc rather than Pilonodal shit 😉

      Cheers!

  • Harsh

    I can relate a major part of me from the Hemorrhoid biker. I even had that tyre in my bike shown in the picture (Michelin Sirac). Great article man, it was hilarious.

    • The Sirac is kick ass, still working good for me! Glad you liked the article 🙂

      • Harsh

        Looks like you’re one hemorrhoid too 😉

  • Ronn

    Woman bikers ‘ I have boobs’ ….! Really man Akhil , lost interest while reading that one , you said ‘kind of bikers’ and mentioned woman riders in your ‘kind of rider’ category ,infact u shud include them too, not making diff category for em ladies…. Not fair..

    • Yes it’s not fair, but that’s the way it is.

  • I’m very confused at the moment. I’ve loved every word of this article. I’ve met most of who You’ve described but on different roles. So yeah, You got this spot on, but I could shuffle a few points into different categories. But that’s just me. 🙂 … I’m a half, I don’t know what, but I know I’m a few of all You mentioned, besides that annoying kid thing of course. And I aspire to be a walking bag of cash biker someday, just so I can continue doing what I do.
    😀

    • Lol, we’ll all be Waking-bag-of-cash biker in 20 years, inevitably. Enjoy the hemorrhoids till then 🙂

  • Vishal

    Come on RE riders Akhil again provoke you in this article 4. Confused biker… Abuse him for your beloved 100 year old junk prestigious bike ☺☺☺☺☺

    • Be careful what you wish for mate 😉

    • kingofcochin

      As a RE rider myself, I dont see anything wrong said by Akhil. Most of the REs you see around are showroom pieces however the rest are as much hemorrhoidal riders as any of us. 😀

  • Benoy

    ROFL DUDE YOU ARE NOW GETTING ON WITH UNWANTED ATTENTION ESPECIALLY FROM THOSE ROYAL ENFIELD ONES.. OMG CANT STOP LAUGHING…

  • Twizy

    kudos mate !! nice compilation… 🙂 ur the same guy who once swore me on my crush to stop abusing… fuck u man… lol !! cheers !!!

  • OggyF

    Always nice to read your articles after a long day at the office. Keep it up 🙂

  • thelonerebellion

    Raw, rustic and hell !!! pure and simple. You are a mighty writer, biker whatever you are 😉 Kudos.

  • Peter Trinidad

    Mate for the first time my wife and me read this together and this left me almost off my already shaky chair and she could just not stop laughing and almost choked after a late night dinner! Now you are to blame for that mate LOL. Who the fuck do you think I am? Seriously!!! Just before you make the remark … I have no bike and cancelled my bike intention I told you about earlier in the year. It’s not a dead wish though … Just don’t have the time with the type of business I do. One day you can call me something hahahaha. I wouldn’t mind a bit what you call me as I respect your talent and endurance and all that goes along with that. I heard and seen a lot of shite from a lot of bummers along my way and none come even a whisker close to your knowledge (This is not a praise for you but a fact) and BTW I was a Supra Suzuki Biker in my early years who has done his bit on the roads …

    • Haha, good to hear you and Susan had a few giggles!

      Let’s see you on that Harley first, then I’ll tell you where you belong 🙂

  • Wondering where do I belong in this list. 🙂

  • kingofcochin

    I never thought I would one day identify myself with the Hemorrhoid section in any article!! Excellent article, my friend!! 🙂

  • aslam

    you are definitely a Hemorrhoid biker as far as i can see (BTW am a fan of you ,big time)..
    is there any other kind those who wanna be Hemorrhoid biker but circumstances pulls him back??
    i might belong to that section maybe..ride safe.. cheers.

    • Thanks man 🙂

      That’s the definition of a Hemorrhoid biker, the one how never lets circumstances pull him back, and also has large and painful hemorrhoids up his ass.

      • ajit

        Only person who seems to have a painful hemmoroid up his arse is the author.. Griping about everything.. Awearing and ‘shiiiiit’… Pseudo cool, jeremy clarkson – russell peters wannabe, Wassup braaahh hifiving and secretly ass slapping but stuck posting lame ass shit online mother****er..
        Very poor writeup.. Lot of unnecessary aggro. Stop trying to be cool.. Its like overacting.
        Lost interest in the piece in the first few paras.. While scrolling down to here i also noticed ‘ Woman biker = have boobs ‘ !! Seriously?
        Pig.. (Hog?)

        • Thanks for sharing your opinion!

        • Mohan

          Well, Akhil, bro, you banged the right ass. You see, bikes and asses go together and so do ass-holes, the ones with the pus and others with the fuss.
          Good writing man, loved it and don’t you ducking worry about others- your writing is meant for those with balls-of-steel-and-no-brains-to’speak-of!
          Going by the categories, I am in the 7th..LOL.
          The ones who took up the bike way too early in life ,stopped for a pop-corn break (profession, family etc), thundering ” I will be BACK” menacingly!

          • Thanks Mohan! Hope to see you back soon 🙂

          • Mohan

            Dude I am back already!

          • See you on the road then! Cheers 🙂